december 2007 is finally over

it is not important that you understand.

it is important that you recognize when you don't understand and that you tolerate your ignorance with patience and forgiveness.

holy hell. i am so happy. my 2 years of ridiculous confusion and delusion is over. i can move on to something new, now. i was reading a book and drinking some wine and then all of a sudden something changed in me and i realized... good lord, i have been trying for 2 years to prove something RIDICULOUS.

thank god that's over.

things i shouldn't say...

but i will. (confessions of a 23 year-old girl after too much sake)

top songs that explain my life right now and why:

*the ataris - i.o.u. one galaxy (would you be my best friend (if i offered you my heart) because it's already yours)

this song... means so much to me. always has. it just seems to capture how i feel all the time, and people just don't seem to believe me - i've offered my heart, it's yours - please, take it. no strings attached!

*lagwagon - violins (so why you wanna be there? when you could be here? you are slipping away)

so many people all over the place... if we really wanted to be together, wouldn't we be?

*jimmy eat world - clarity (wait for something better, will i know when it can be us? wait for something better, maybe that doesn't mean us? wait for something better... )

should i be? i dono. maybe. or maybe "this time it means us"? this song used to be my go-to in 10th grade. came up again just recently and really made sense. never stopped loving it.

on another note... i have no idea what i'm doing or what i originally wanted to say. maybe say that i'm confused over many things and dono where i'm going... do i need to streamline? (are you a distraction?) or should i keep waiting, looking to what's already there... i could be in San Francisco (if we wanted to be together, wouldn't we already be?) or i could.. just be here.

(maybe i'll just be here.)

the only voice i want to hear is yours.

my brain hurtz

tonight i was walking to the train after work and i started thinking... that,

every once in awhile,

i'll think of something.

and then

think to myself

"i really wish i could remember these thoughts when i need them most"

like, i wish there was a go-to thought or memory for every situation that could help get me through it. i don't memorize Bible verses like everyone else so, often times i rely on my own past experiences to help me out.

tonight was one of those nights where i was thinking not only about how sometimes i think about useful things, but also about something that i think would probably be useful if i remembered to apply it in future situations:

i was thinking about how, so often, i over-think everything.

a little redundant, isn't it? but i was realizing - ya know, the real reason for my over-thinking is that i think that by thinking i am going to come to some sort of solution to a problem and will therefore never experience this problem ever again if i can think my way out of it in this moment.

i think that maybe, just maybe, some people don't do this as much as i do. or maybe they do. i was thinking that maybe, just maybe, if i were to just... experience the feelings and let it happen - it would save me a lot of thinking. because what have i learned so far in this lifetime? i would say i've learned that no matter how hard you think about something, although you may move on past that particular situation, you'll still end up feeling those same feelings again sooner or later. the thinking doesn't really help you avoid anything. it's just.. thinking.

so i think on that note... i'm gonna go to sleep and try to not think. i've been really tired of all of this thinking for awhile now, but i couldn't think of a good reason to stop it. but now..... now i've convinced myself i'm not helping anything by doing it, so why?

also

Happy New Moon and Winter Solstice! December 16th is a good day this year.

(of course SOME thinking is useful thinking)

what a weird night.

nothing says Happy Holidays like two slashed bike tires, a 30 minute walk, a $20 cab ride, a complete road block, and a broken lamp. oh, and an effed up friendship.

needless to say, i think i can let the friendship thing go. there's a certain point to which making amends turns into a larger chore than what it should. yes, i was a bit of an ass for a second. but i had forgiven a lot of bullshit before i had gotten to that point. perhaps it was my fault for being so forgiving to begin with. and i also really have to claim "wrong place, wrong time" for this guy. i tried to be nice and then suddenly decided that "nice" has no place in my life right now. a lot of everyone has been getting a piece of my mind. and people who aren't honest are the first on my list to get to hear about it.

i don't have patience these days for anything superficial. either tell me something interesting or get out of my way.

as far as the bike tires and weird string of events preventing me from going home and making it to bed before 1am... what in the world was that about?? maybe it's my punishment for being a dick to people i don't have patience for any more. or maybe it's just a lot of coincidental weirdness. maybe it's just me being forced to live my life and not be able to sleep 90% of what would normally be my free time.

things are changing. i know it's all up in the air right now. i should probably continue my "no sex until i'm 26" thing, since i haven't technically broken it since i've made it. only like... 2.75 years left to go. and.. ya know. sex gets me in to more trouble than i care to deal with. in general, people are pretty dumb right now. myself included.

but tonight i feel pretty grounded. and hopefully these next few months will be a breeze. i think tonight i got a big enough helping of "i don't care" to hold me over till my next hormonal outburst. prolly will be a few more months. and i'll prolly have 3 new boys by then to deal with. and if not - it's most likely for the best :)

(good things DO happen)

the possibility of no more baristas?!?!

what in the world would i do if every cafe suddenly replaced skilled baristas with fully automatic machines that did the job BETTER than even the world champion barista?

i'd cry.

that's what i'd do.

October 4 was a slow day at work.

yep,

i am feeling like it's all over. it has ended. this 6 months of heartbreak has finally blown over. it was exacerbated for a second by a few emails, but much like the death of a star, those emails were like the situation's one last outburst before completely fizzling out. i feel so balanced now. on rock solid ground. back to where i was just before i met N. i feel completely free to begin anything. there were a few feelings of "i really don't want to go through the whole process of meeting someone, dating, getting to know them...." but those have passed and i don't mind now.

there's a lot of stuff going on. i love work. it's so easy! with the two different jobs i work, it keeps enough variation in my week so when i work 13 days in a row i don't feel worn out. the people that i have met here in NYC have been amazing. perhaps it's because i started doing yoga whenever i have a spare minute or maybe it's just because i have gotten past the few road blocks that were still holding me up.

i have promised myself a year to get settled here. i'm already feeling like maybe in a few weeks i'll be ready to start getting a bit more serious about what i'm doing. i like that work is so low stress. but i think soon i will be ready to take on more work along the lines of what i want to do. soon. but maybe still not yet. i still have these ideas. it's just a matter of finding the energy, the equipment, and the collaboration needed to make it all come together. when i'm ready to buy a new computer, buy a camera, write proposals and ideas, etc. that's when things will start happening.

for right now, i feel like i've found solid ground to stand on, but i still need to build my house :)

as far as relationships go? i dono. i'm in no mood to have a "friends with benefits" situation. it's just not a priority to me. i am so busy that the time i have to myself i DO enjoy by myself.

for example:

Wednesday i had a day off and went to the museum to look at the Earth and Space exhibits. i was there for hours. the security guard noticed me and offered me a chance to see the movie they were showing. i took him up on it and he brought me up the "staff only" elevator and let me into the theater for free before everyone else. it was amazing! and then i walked the 12 miles home. i found a cute boutique where i picked up a few fall accessories (hat, mittens, etc). i then continued to walk East and South. at this point it had been about 8 hours since i last ate anything so i stopped in a Mexican restaurant on the east side of Manhattan and chatted up some guy named Oliver about illustrations and paintings while i had a frozen margarita and a burrito. (nevermind that morning i was biking on 23rd street in Manhattan after a 7am yoga class and had fallen into/almost got run over by a bus. i've got some MAJOR bruises.)

but the point being i really enjoyed my day! who needs a boyfriend when you have cool stuff like that to do?

and last night i went to the Brooklyn Museum with a new friend. and i have a slight crush on someone who works at a place that i frequently stop in at for an espresso (a 6oz americano, really). and that's good. or bad?

anyway. i wrote this post on the 4th and haven't published it until now. sorry if it seems unfinished. but felt like putting it up without finishing it. so deal.

never so comfortable

stars are out tonight
and you're the brightest one shining in my sky
it's like every wish i ever made came true
the day i woke up lying next to you

would you be my best friend if i offered you my heart?
('cause it's already yours)



sometimes you need a little punk rock in your life, i suppose. gotta love The Ataris. so many songs never made so much sense. i always hoped to adapt them to certain situations. only now have they just begun to find their rightful places.

i'm really happy. and i'm really busy. every day starts with enthusiasm and every night ends the same way (with thoughts of you). but i'm doing really good.


tonight in yoga we did eleven minutes of holding our arms up in the air at 60degrees repeating a mantra and with a specific mudra. needless to say - your shoulders start to die pretty early on and the thought of 11 minutes is horrifying. the more emotions you're holding on to, the more difficult it is supposed to be (or so they say). i made it through flawlessly - and there was only one thing on my mind the entire time (the same thing that occupies my last thoughts before sleep hits).

again.

every time i think to let go. every time i purposefully intend to let go. every time i TRY to let go. i'm not allowed. it's not me holding on anymore. somehow it seems that every bit of my intuition is telling me that it's just... something else. entirely.

so i suppose i'll continue on this way. i haven't ever felt so comfortable in anyone else's arms. i am open to everything. i'm always meeting new people. always faced with new opportunity. and yet none provide the same fulfillment as he does (even though they seem to have so much more potential.. so much more that would "work")



the time will come. either something will replace this or "this" will claim its place. at this point, i a really happy where i am. i am welcoming of either.


(maybe)

my next post will be about something else. i promise.

unassisted happiness.

60 hour weeks...

i think it's all just mellowing out. all coming down to nothing. there is little that i want that i don't already have. there is little i would change that isn't already changed. it feels good to be leveling out for a second. i am seeing the opportunities and recognizing where i can let go. i'm beginning to think i'm really happy here :)

there's still someone on my mind. and i dono what i expect. nothing. but something. directions, perhaps.


don't i hold you like you want to be held?
don't i treat you like you want?
don't i love you like you want to be loved?
and you're running away
and what's your name?
like i'm in the way
and wasting too much time

3:33am

i received an email today. and i don't know how to respond.

and a song that came on shortly after:


love me, love me
say you do
let me fly away with you
we are creatures of the wind
wild is the wind

give me more than one caress
satisfy this hungriness

you touch me
i hear the sound of mandolins
you kiss me
with your kiss my life begins


______________________________


so much going on. i want to know how he is. i want to know how his cat is. how his new life is. what he's been doing. i want a hug. hahah. i get an email and i'm immediately hoping for a hug. and he's not even close, anyway. i could hardly breathe. what do i say? nothing?

(this heart's on fire)

from the ground up

hints.

i feel like i've been given hints since i've been in NYC. i found a yoga studio right away that i loved and i met a man that i connected with in a way that i've never connected with someone before.

transition.

those things were gone about as quickly as they came. i've experienced this before. moving to a new place and meeting new people right away - becoming quickly attached - and then having them disappear shortly after.

it's hard. letting go. there is so much going on for me right now that it's hard to keep it straight. being in NYC brings up a lot of reminders of "home". yet i came here with absolutely nothing to ground me. so many different experiences with different people and activities. so much has changed so drastically since the first few weeks that i was here in NYC. what in the world am i doing?

i moved into an apartment that can be built. i came here as a blank sheet of paper. there's so much room for creativity.

this post is so ridiculously random. sporadic. there's so much on my mind. H. must leave him where he was as he was - the perfect person for me to have met to get me acquainted with where i am now.

the positivity and the understanding of possibility that i initially moved here with is gone. sometimes i see glimpses. maybe soon i'll be sunbathing.

the excitement of getting dressed up and going out is all gone. i don't know every place in this city but i feel comfortable enough now that .. it's just going out.

staying up until 6am is completely forgotten. i have replaced it with waking up at that time to go swimming and spend time reading.

pursuing a job in film and spending time on my creative interests has been put to the side for the time being. there's not enough energy to give or reward to receive at the current point in time.

so much.

(i don't even know)

all the right words

only get you so far.

moving on is harder than i thought it would be. H never said the right words but he always just was the right things. he made me smile to myself because i could see how much he liked me but he never said anything... he was right. actions speak louder than words and he knew how to make his actions show that he was really awesome.

i'm trying so hard to live here and make experiences happen here. but i'm very torn. and i'm at a point where i am questioning why i am here. is this a good place to be? the heat is killing me, the noise is causing me panic, and it's so crowded and busy everywhere.

tonight i walked out of a party that i was brought to. i literally walked in, felt uncomfortable, and left. the party was on the roof and my friend who brought me went up ahead of me. while being on a roof in manhattan sounds like a lot of fun, for some reason, standing there and looking at the elevator going up or going down.. going down was my choice. i hit the button but then decided not to wait, even, and took stairs down. i was really compelled to leave.

why? i didn't even give it a chance!

and on my walk home i walked past someone yelling and i wanted to cry. the world was falling down again. i wanted to leave this place. but i feel like i've fought to be here to some extent. why? i guess i feel like i have something to do here. if i didn't... i'd go to H. why stay somewhere, so far away from this person that i've come to love so much, for no one that i care about and a lot of other things (excessively hot/humid weather, noise, craziness) that are really unappealing to me?

and i realized - for every ridiculous thing that i find hard to experience, there is something equally as amazing to experience. like streets lined with bathtubs filled with plants. i feel like i need to be here. it really sucks. but i don't feel like leaving is the right choice. even if that's what i want. so i'm staying. and i guess for the time being, i'll just continue missing H.

(and everyone else, too)

(and i really want to kiss him..)

the cost of "happiness"

let's address something of great importance here... what IS happiness, anyway? i've been under the impression that it's just when you feel good in general. smiles. laughter. maybe even pure contentment. etc. (i think that passion and ecstasy are beyond happiness and entirely different and can be discussed later.)

is it possible to be entirely depressed but still happy?

perhaps it's depression's way of taking over and sucking you into a black hole of nothingness where you begin to rationalize everything so that nothing has to change - but i find that what really is going on for me is just a lot of... thinking. constantly. and thinking makes me question and all of it just makes me tired. so i could just stop. but ultimately, being depressed from overthinking actually makes me happy because... i'm interested.

when i am in a state that may typically be diagnosed as "happiness" by my definition, i sometimes feel entirely unhappy with myself. because those are times that i really care the least. and if you really don't care - are you actually living? without being able to think and reflect on something and give it meaning - are you actually experiencing it? or are you just... going through the motions? with a big smile on your face and completely unconcerned with the people around you, the events taking place, the *meaning* of it all.

i dono. i guess this came up tonight for a second time in the past week or so. i was thinking about how a lot of people who go on anti-depressants often have told me that they don't feel like themselves - they don't actually think about things to the extent that they would have and that it is actually bothersome. and that's how i feel. i prefer to think. i guess i just need to accept that.

(own your decisions. you're the one who made them, after all)

"So, Jessica... what do you think about Oklahoma" ;)

today at work i wasn't receiving emails from my coworker. so, i set out to figure out what could have been the problem, why all of these emails were not getting to my inbox? in the process, i tried resetting a few things and when turning off and on my pop mail settings, i accidentally configured it to resend ALL of my emails from my gmail account to my Entourage account on my iBook... so, when i came home and hit command-k (to send/receive my emails) it showed up with some ridiculously large number of files it was pulling off the server. needless to say, i stopped it and quickly went and fixed the problem.

of the emails that my Entourage did pull off the server before i stopped it, though, a few of them were from my ex-boyfriend. it's funny.

"So, Jessica... what do you think about Oklahoma" ;)

this is something he said in regards to suggesting that one day, he may ask me this when he brings me to visit his family and hometown. i think this line sticks out in my memory more than any other from our short-lived relationship. i remember it daily. not because i'm disappointed because i never made it to Oklahoma. but maybe more because it sticks out like a sore thumb. something said far too soon.

i remember reading that and immediately deciding that vacation for me was over (winter/Christmas) and i hopped in a car and was back in Chicago in a heartbeat. that idea changed something in me. like i said, it's not that i was hyped to go to Oklahoma. but i think that's the second that i completely abandoned all reason and just went for it. anything up to that point i was still holding out- i was still thinking "yea, i mean, he's great and i'm completely infatuated but i just met him... blah blah blah". but those are the words where i became completely vulnerable. and to no one but him have i ever been there before or since.

it's been... far too long since we've broken up and the relationship was far too short for me to justify any leftover feelings. but i go back and read my emails with him (i really thought i had deleted them... gone from my life forever, much like him) and i understand what happened.

some things just work.

sometimes ..

"It's as if I had a favored/dog-eared book, misplaced it for the longest time, and recently found it, and just picked up where I left off before."

(i've never cared about someone so much)

when in doubt: use craigslist.

MAC OS Tiger for G5- can i use your old copy? (Williamsburg)

_______
Date: 2009-08-06, 10:46AM EDT
Reply to: gigs-u9sut1308794563@craigslist.org
_______

Dear community of computer people in Brooklyn/Williamsburg,
I have the unfortunate situation of a PowerMac G5 that will not start up and I'm thinking it's the OS. My system disc is in some other state somewhere hidden in some obscure box that's probably labeled "forks and knives" or something completely inaccurate, I don't have money to take a cab somewhere with this giant beast of a computer to see what it is for sure, and I would go ahead and just buy Leopard but I'm not 100% that will fix the problem.

To give you the low down on the problem (in case you think I'm a lost cause), what happened is this:
I came home.
Finder disappeared.
The cursor and computer was responsive, but... I went to force quit Finder and ... no Finder to be found.
So, I shut down the computer.
Upon restarting, it makes it to the Apple logo and spinning gear
but then goes black.

I have access to my hard drive so I know that's all good there. I honestly just think my OS crashed on me. But. I could be wrong.

If you could be so kind as to lend me your old copy of Tiger if you can spare it, just so I can see if that can solve my problem, I would probably love you forever. Even if it doesn't work. Because if it doesn't work, I'm abandoning ship and you can have the thing for free if you have any use for a 60lb piece of beautiful hardware that ... can now be used as art work and decoration for your bathroom for all I care. A foot rest? Perhaps you could empty out its contents and use it to pot plants. In fact, that's not a bad idea. I might steal my own idea and do that.


ANYWAY, please email me or call me. I'll gladly meet you on Bedford and we can barter for it. I'll bring some old stuff of mine, you can bring some old stuff of yours and we'll call it thrifty. Cool.



<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 <-- my infinite love for you



Location: Williamsburg
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 <-- my infinite love for you


http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cpg/1308794563.html

it's late

i want to live where i can turn out the lights in the hallway. but only part time. or maybe just in this moment.


(1:11am. make a wish)

bend over backwards

it's amazing how flexible i have become in yoga. i mean, i started out super flexible. and this awesomely passive aggressive person i used to know kept indirectly suggesting that i needed more strength to go along with this flexibility. i think i somehow took this to heart, because since then i have become twice as flexible and between the amount of biking and swimming i do, as well as just using my body because i have it available to use (i mean, seriously. why sit all day when you could be walking somewhere or biking into Manhattan just to eat mochi in Union Square?) i have become pretty capable.

it's weird how a few indirect comments have actually impacted me more than direct criticisms. direct criticisms make me spiteful. i will actually quit if you tell me i am a quitter. apparently being passive aggressive is the way to go because although i'll secretly hate you because very little actually gets by me, i'll also secretly be making unconscious decisions towards fixing the suggested problem. or maybe it was just the person it came from. i dono. it's not like i was consciously thinking "okay, must do push ups so that i get stronger" or "must practice daily" ... no. somehow it all just worked out that now i do push ups and situps because they are appealing. hahaha. 6 months later. eh. some things take time.



i should get sponsored to bike and do a documentary on biking. hahaha. hmm.. how could we make this happen?



(i dono if i can make it another winter in the cold.)

carvings in the floor

picture courtesy of Myles Blake's floor.

hoarded memories of amazing kisses

i was thinking about this tonight, as i was remembering some of the most amazing moments with my recent fling. there are some kisses that have stuck with me over the past few years. i often move on quickly but as i grow up, the longer i keep precious moments logged away to refer back to...

there have really only been 3 people (maybe 2) that i can say i have developed strong, lasting emotions for over the past 2 years.
December 30th 2007. i was making a lot of hot chocolates those days. and i think i made him a dirty chai. if only i knew then what i know now about what he likes in regards to his coffee!

and that led to a long time of wanting time.
and only getting enough to keep me wanting more.


and i guess the real question- what came next- was it in hopes to rewrite the past months of longing to just try and make something? December 2008. I wasn't doing anything during those days. he was a person i didn't know one day and the best lover i've had the next.

there were definitely those people in between during that year that. i met someone perfect for me, TC, and i wish i could have been comfortable with that. and everything else, as much as i hate to say it, was more for my need to fill in space and attempt moving forward away from what wasn't giving. and then i met this boy and what now seems to be very real- was it ever, really? i remember asking myself when i started seeing him, "what would i do if December 2007 wanted me now?" i don't think i could answer that question then. and i still probably can't answer it now if i had them both on my doorstep (it's a good thing that from the looks of it, that's not happening any time soon).


manipulation.

it really just ends up screwing you over in the end. you get yourself all confused. caught up in trying to arrange things so that they might work out for your benefit. i didn't directly do this, but i recognize the tendencies within myself as i move forward to *hope* that if i experience one thing, it might effect another in a way that is favorable ... not that it ever does. and not that i ever take those tendencies seriously, although i probably might want to.


subtlety.

the things i think and try to pretend to keep from myself. i know better.



anyway. these kisses. these people. can i honestly reduce my most attached moments down to two, maybe three people? the third person is too recent to really tell. June 2009. i was brand new to NYC and he was just visiting home from his new home. passionate moments shared, but only during passionate times. a quick beginning and an anticipated end. everything in the middle was just that -

in the middle. (or was it?)



Chinatown. (you're the only one now.)

if you find me, hide me, i don't know where i've been

are we breathing, are we breathing, are we wasting our breath?
it won't be enough to be rich

rather give the world away than wake up lonely
everywhere and every way i see you with me

Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton (Crowd Surf Off a Cliff)



tonight was absolutely amazing. i went swimming for about half an hour (i promised myself i would take it easy my first time back. it's hard to swim two full hours after 6 years of only light swimming here or there) and then i biked home, still wet and in my bathing suit with my cap and goggles and shammy cloth hanging from my hips where they were tucked in to my suit. and i went and picked up a few groceries. and then i came home and cleaned my room up some more (i'm working really hard at trying to make this room feel like home and not just someplace i throw all of my crap) blah blah blah.

the biking after the swimming was the best part. my knees are dying so i promised myself i was taking the day off and wouldn't bike over the Williamsburg Bridge but i let myself bike very slowly.. and just kind of glided along the whole way to swim and back. it's so warm out and the wind after getting out of the pool felt so wonderful. i think that i may become addicted to this routine for the summer.


so i have all of these activities, right? swimming, biking, yoga. swimming and biking both kind of require strength training. sit ups, push ups, lifting weights, etc. yoga is its own thing, i guess. but if i want to get good at swimming or biking again, it's going to require something more than just going out to go out. biking to work, swimming a few laps - i feel like that causes you to plateau. even if you do it everyday. i guess i'm just not sure, as always, how much i really care to dedicate a lot of my time to getting better at these things?

commitment.



who has time for commitment? i get so bored so quickly... i guess that's what happens when you don't have goals.

(oh well.)

own it.

first it was DJs. crazy party people. 6am was normal. and then it was H. crazy man. 6am was normal. but then i started working. and then it was my roommate and his friends. and that was fun. 6am for breakfast before i went to work and he went to sleep - good times.

i've been through a few waves now. and i feel pretty good. i'll integrate some of it. i'll discard a lot. i'll work on what i want to do. and i'll get caught up in something new. it's inevitable. it's the cycle i'm in right now. i have no idea who i am. i'm still so open to everything. i need to start building strength. it's time to claim more of it than i have been willing.



(reminders )

put me in the box labeled "definition"

i'm tired of playing games with myself. none of it feels right. well, some of it does. but it logically doesn't make sense. but i've never followed logic. so i'm not ready for something "smart" perhaps. will i ever be? does one ever just settle for what logically makes sense? this works, that works and even a little bit of this works.. does that mean it's a smarter decision than the thing where absolutely nothing adds up?

can you turn off interest and feelings because of fear? or do those feelings just not exist? can you make them exist? should you try to make them exist? it's so comfortable. too comfortable. i missed the beginning. i'm worried about being in a relationship where i'm comfortable enough that i just don't care...



eh. i don't care about much of anything except for my gut feeling. and that feeling is telling me that i've gotta run. this isn't feeling right for what i need in my life. i've spent a lot of time concerning myself with the question of "settle down sooner than later or continue down the relentlessly unforgiving path of independence?" i live so much in the middle that it hardly looks like i'm ever getting anything done. i'm not strongly independendent and i'm not strongly submerged into a life of compromise. sometimes i need people. sometimes i don't. i think that's what i like about H. he was doing his own thing and i was doing mine and we were cool with doing a thing together in between.

whatever, yo. time to start playing the "just friends" cards. with everyone. i came here without a care in the world. this life was interesting for a little while, and i can't guarantee it's over. but ultimately, i've been here. and i am okay with setting this lifestyle aside and moving ahead toward something entirely new. maybe you can't move forward until you truly revisit everything and realize it's in the past for a reason.

it must be the July birthdays and something to do with the way they choose to make money for a living... JW always had me intellectually but for some reason there was always a disconnect. after so many years you'd think we'd have figured that out but no. instead we just hate each other that much more.



(is it really mine to decide?)

next time i come home at 10pm after cleaning all day i'm not going to try and clean all night

today.


today was a slightly disappointing day. i came home from work around 10:00pm, helped myself to a glass of wine, and was seriously looking forward to vacuuming my room! (because i'm awesome.) to be honest, it was more my bed that needed vacuuming. i just have a futon mattress on the floor and my cat sheds a lot in the summer.

so, i take my glass of wine and my vacuum to my room and quickly find out that 1) i am retarded and 2) i am also stupid.
1) retarded because i have a power strip that enables 3 electrical things to be plugged in to it and i somehow managed to make something work by plugging my lamp into two slots from two separate outlets. does that make sense? so its an outlet like this:
-- -- --
and i had my light plugged so it was like this:
-x x- --
i didn't even know that could work.

2) stupid because just a few days ago i dropped my hard contact lens down the sink and tried to vacuum it out and got water in the vacuum. i mean, we all make mistakes. but most of us are smart enough to realize that the vacuum is not going to dry overnight let alone smell very pretty the next time we use it if we don't clean it out. well.
maybe not.


questions regarding the stupidity of humanity aside- basically, my night was ruined. because i really wanted to vacuum. i wasn't really in the mood to get gross, wet vacuum sludge all over my floor and have to clean the vacuum out in the shower and then have to take a shower myself because i didn't do such a great job of confining the grossness of the vacuum to the shower, etc etc.

i think there is a moral to this story.



on a more serious note,
this is my first *blog* entry. i promised my roommate that what i have to say is very obviously invaluable to all those who are lucky enough to read it. and i have clearly shown that tonight, of course. how else will anyone know that you can, indeed, use two separate outlets to plug in one lamp? or that it might be smart to not vacuum water out of a drain and then attempt vacuuming a bed? and then attempt cleaning the vacuum in hopes that you, yourself, will not need to be cleaned afterward?




(if it seems like a good idea. do something different.)