it's late

i want to live where i can turn out the lights in the hallway. but only part time. or maybe just in this moment.


(1:11am. make a wish)

bend over backwards

it's amazing how flexible i have become in yoga. i mean, i started out super flexible. and this awesomely passive aggressive person i used to know kept indirectly suggesting that i needed more strength to go along with this flexibility. i think i somehow took this to heart, because since then i have become twice as flexible and between the amount of biking and swimming i do, as well as just using my body because i have it available to use (i mean, seriously. why sit all day when you could be walking somewhere or biking into Manhattan just to eat mochi in Union Square?) i have become pretty capable.

it's weird how a few indirect comments have actually impacted me more than direct criticisms. direct criticisms make me spiteful. i will actually quit if you tell me i am a quitter. apparently being passive aggressive is the way to go because although i'll secretly hate you because very little actually gets by me, i'll also secretly be making unconscious decisions towards fixing the suggested problem. or maybe it was just the person it came from. i dono. it's not like i was consciously thinking "okay, must do push ups so that i get stronger" or "must practice daily" ... no. somehow it all just worked out that now i do push ups and situps because they are appealing. hahaha. 6 months later. eh. some things take time.



i should get sponsored to bike and do a documentary on biking. hahaha. hmm.. how could we make this happen?



(i dono if i can make it another winter in the cold.)

carvings in the floor

picture courtesy of Myles Blake's floor.

hoarded memories of amazing kisses

i was thinking about this tonight, as i was remembering some of the most amazing moments with my recent fling. there are some kisses that have stuck with me over the past few years. i often move on quickly but as i grow up, the longer i keep precious moments logged away to refer back to...

there have really only been 3 people (maybe 2) that i can say i have developed strong, lasting emotions for over the past 2 years.
December 30th 2007. i was making a lot of hot chocolates those days. and i think i made him a dirty chai. if only i knew then what i know now about what he likes in regards to his coffee!

and that led to a long time of wanting time.
and only getting enough to keep me wanting more.


and i guess the real question- what came next- was it in hopes to rewrite the past months of longing to just try and make something? December 2008. I wasn't doing anything during those days. he was a person i didn't know one day and the best lover i've had the next.

there were definitely those people in between during that year that. i met someone perfect for me, TC, and i wish i could have been comfortable with that. and everything else, as much as i hate to say it, was more for my need to fill in space and attempt moving forward away from what wasn't giving. and then i met this boy and what now seems to be very real- was it ever, really? i remember asking myself when i started seeing him, "what would i do if December 2007 wanted me now?" i don't think i could answer that question then. and i still probably can't answer it now if i had them both on my doorstep (it's a good thing that from the looks of it, that's not happening any time soon).


manipulation.

it really just ends up screwing you over in the end. you get yourself all confused. caught up in trying to arrange things so that they might work out for your benefit. i didn't directly do this, but i recognize the tendencies within myself as i move forward to *hope* that if i experience one thing, it might effect another in a way that is favorable ... not that it ever does. and not that i ever take those tendencies seriously, although i probably might want to.


subtlety.

the things i think and try to pretend to keep from myself. i know better.



anyway. these kisses. these people. can i honestly reduce my most attached moments down to two, maybe three people? the third person is too recent to really tell. June 2009. i was brand new to NYC and he was just visiting home from his new home. passionate moments shared, but only during passionate times. a quick beginning and an anticipated end. everything in the middle was just that -

in the middle. (or was it?)



Chinatown. (you're the only one now.)

if you find me, hide me, i don't know where i've been

are we breathing, are we breathing, are we wasting our breath?
it won't be enough to be rich

rather give the world away than wake up lonely
everywhere and every way i see you with me

Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton (Crowd Surf Off a Cliff)



tonight was absolutely amazing. i went swimming for about half an hour (i promised myself i would take it easy my first time back. it's hard to swim two full hours after 6 years of only light swimming here or there) and then i biked home, still wet and in my bathing suit with my cap and goggles and shammy cloth hanging from my hips where they were tucked in to my suit. and i went and picked up a few groceries. and then i came home and cleaned my room up some more (i'm working really hard at trying to make this room feel like home and not just someplace i throw all of my crap) blah blah blah.

the biking after the swimming was the best part. my knees are dying so i promised myself i was taking the day off and wouldn't bike over the Williamsburg Bridge but i let myself bike very slowly.. and just kind of glided along the whole way to swim and back. it's so warm out and the wind after getting out of the pool felt so wonderful. i think that i may become addicted to this routine for the summer.


so i have all of these activities, right? swimming, biking, yoga. swimming and biking both kind of require strength training. sit ups, push ups, lifting weights, etc. yoga is its own thing, i guess. but if i want to get good at swimming or biking again, it's going to require something more than just going out to go out. biking to work, swimming a few laps - i feel like that causes you to plateau. even if you do it everyday. i guess i'm just not sure, as always, how much i really care to dedicate a lot of my time to getting better at these things?

commitment.



who has time for commitment? i get so bored so quickly... i guess that's what happens when you don't have goals.

(oh well.)

own it.

first it was DJs. crazy party people. 6am was normal. and then it was H. crazy man. 6am was normal. but then i started working. and then it was my roommate and his friends. and that was fun. 6am for breakfast before i went to work and he went to sleep - good times.

i've been through a few waves now. and i feel pretty good. i'll integrate some of it. i'll discard a lot. i'll work on what i want to do. and i'll get caught up in something new. it's inevitable. it's the cycle i'm in right now. i have no idea who i am. i'm still so open to everything. i need to start building strength. it's time to claim more of it than i have been willing.



(reminders )

put me in the box labeled "definition"

i'm tired of playing games with myself. none of it feels right. well, some of it does. but it logically doesn't make sense. but i've never followed logic. so i'm not ready for something "smart" perhaps. will i ever be? does one ever just settle for what logically makes sense? this works, that works and even a little bit of this works.. does that mean it's a smarter decision than the thing where absolutely nothing adds up?

can you turn off interest and feelings because of fear? or do those feelings just not exist? can you make them exist? should you try to make them exist? it's so comfortable. too comfortable. i missed the beginning. i'm worried about being in a relationship where i'm comfortable enough that i just don't care...



eh. i don't care about much of anything except for my gut feeling. and that feeling is telling me that i've gotta run. this isn't feeling right for what i need in my life. i've spent a lot of time concerning myself with the question of "settle down sooner than later or continue down the relentlessly unforgiving path of independence?" i live so much in the middle that it hardly looks like i'm ever getting anything done. i'm not strongly independendent and i'm not strongly submerged into a life of compromise. sometimes i need people. sometimes i don't. i think that's what i like about H. he was doing his own thing and i was doing mine and we were cool with doing a thing together in between.

whatever, yo. time to start playing the "just friends" cards. with everyone. i came here without a care in the world. this life was interesting for a little while, and i can't guarantee it's over. but ultimately, i've been here. and i am okay with setting this lifestyle aside and moving ahead toward something entirely new. maybe you can't move forward until you truly revisit everything and realize it's in the past for a reason.

it must be the July birthdays and something to do with the way they choose to make money for a living... JW always had me intellectually but for some reason there was always a disconnect. after so many years you'd think we'd have figured that out but no. instead we just hate each other that much more.



(is it really mine to decide?)

next time i come home at 10pm after cleaning all day i'm not going to try and clean all night

today.


today was a slightly disappointing day. i came home from work around 10:00pm, helped myself to a glass of wine, and was seriously looking forward to vacuuming my room! (because i'm awesome.) to be honest, it was more my bed that needed vacuuming. i just have a futon mattress on the floor and my cat sheds a lot in the summer.

so, i take my glass of wine and my vacuum to my room and quickly find out that 1) i am retarded and 2) i am also stupid.
1) retarded because i have a power strip that enables 3 electrical things to be plugged in to it and i somehow managed to make something work by plugging my lamp into two slots from two separate outlets. does that make sense? so its an outlet like this:
-- -- --
and i had my light plugged so it was like this:
-x x- --
i didn't even know that could work.

2) stupid because just a few days ago i dropped my hard contact lens down the sink and tried to vacuum it out and got water in the vacuum. i mean, we all make mistakes. but most of us are smart enough to realize that the vacuum is not going to dry overnight let alone smell very pretty the next time we use it if we don't clean it out. well.
maybe not.


questions regarding the stupidity of humanity aside- basically, my night was ruined. because i really wanted to vacuum. i wasn't really in the mood to get gross, wet vacuum sludge all over my floor and have to clean the vacuum out in the shower and then have to take a shower myself because i didn't do such a great job of confining the grossness of the vacuum to the shower, etc etc.

i think there is a moral to this story.



on a more serious note,
this is my first *blog* entry. i promised my roommate that what i have to say is very obviously invaluable to all those who are lucky enough to read it. and i have clearly shown that tonight, of course. how else will anyone know that you can, indeed, use two separate outlets to plug in one lamp? or that it might be smart to not vacuum water out of a drain and then attempt vacuuming a bed? and then attempt cleaning the vacuum in hopes that you, yourself, will not need to be cleaned afterward?




(if it seems like a good idea. do something different.)