i was thinking about this tonight, as i was remembering some of the most amazing moments with my recent fling. there are some kisses that have stuck with me over the past few years. i often move on quickly but as i grow up, the longer i keep precious moments logged away to refer back to...
there have really only been 3 people (maybe 2) that i can say i have developed strong, lasting emotions for over the past 2 years.
December 30th 2007. i was making a lot of hot chocolates those days. and i think i made him a dirty chai. if only i knew then what i know now about what he likes in regards to his coffee!
and that led to a long time of wanting time.
and only getting enough to keep me wanting more.
and i guess the real question- what came next- was it in hopes to rewrite the past months of longing to just try and make something? December 2008. I wasn't doing anything during those days. he was a person i didn't know one day and the best lover i've had the next.
there were definitely those people in between during that year that. i met someone perfect for me, TC, and i wish i could have been comfortable with that. and everything else, as much as i hate to say it, was more for my need to fill in space and attempt moving forward away from what wasn't giving. and then i met this boy and what now seems to be very real- was it ever, really? i remember asking myself when i started seeing him, "what would i do if December 2007 wanted me now?" i don't think i could answer that question then. and i still probably can't answer it now if i had them both on my doorstep (it's a good thing that from the looks of it, that's not happening any time soon).
manipulation.
it really just ends up screwing you over in the end. you get yourself all confused. caught up in trying to arrange things so that they might work out for your benefit. i didn't directly do this, but i recognize the tendencies within myself as i move forward to *hope* that if i experience one thing, it might effect another in a way that is favorable ... not that it ever does. and not that i ever take those tendencies seriously, although i probably might want to.
subtlety.
the things i think and try to pretend to keep from myself. i know better.
anyway. these kisses. these people. can i honestly reduce my most attached moments down to two, maybe three people? the third person is too recent to really tell. June 2009. i was brand new to NYC and he was just visiting home from his new home. passionate moments shared, but only during passionate times. a quick beginning and an anticipated end. everything in the middle was just that -
in the middle. (or was it?)
Chinatown. (you're the only one now.)
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