put me in the box labeled "definition"

i'm tired of playing games with myself. none of it feels right. well, some of it does. but it logically doesn't make sense. but i've never followed logic. so i'm not ready for something "smart" perhaps. will i ever be? does one ever just settle for what logically makes sense? this works, that works and even a little bit of this works.. does that mean it's a smarter decision than the thing where absolutely nothing adds up?

can you turn off interest and feelings because of fear? or do those feelings just not exist? can you make them exist? should you try to make them exist? it's so comfortable. too comfortable. i missed the beginning. i'm worried about being in a relationship where i'm comfortable enough that i just don't care...



eh. i don't care about much of anything except for my gut feeling. and that feeling is telling me that i've gotta run. this isn't feeling right for what i need in my life. i've spent a lot of time concerning myself with the question of "settle down sooner than later or continue down the relentlessly unforgiving path of independence?" i live so much in the middle that it hardly looks like i'm ever getting anything done. i'm not strongly independendent and i'm not strongly submerged into a life of compromise. sometimes i need people. sometimes i don't. i think that's what i like about H. he was doing his own thing and i was doing mine and we were cool with doing a thing together in between.

whatever, yo. time to start playing the "just friends" cards. with everyone. i came here without a care in the world. this life was interesting for a little while, and i can't guarantee it's over. but ultimately, i've been here. and i am okay with setting this lifestyle aside and moving ahead toward something entirely new. maybe you can't move forward until you truly revisit everything and realize it's in the past for a reason.

it must be the July birthdays and something to do with the way they choose to make money for a living... JW always had me intellectually but for some reason there was always a disconnect. after so many years you'd think we'd have figured that out but no. instead we just hate each other that much more.



(is it really mine to decide?)