the cost of "happiness"

let's address something of great importance here... what IS happiness, anyway? i've been under the impression that it's just when you feel good in general. smiles. laughter. maybe even pure contentment. etc. (i think that passion and ecstasy are beyond happiness and entirely different and can be discussed later.)

is it possible to be entirely depressed but still happy?

perhaps it's depression's way of taking over and sucking you into a black hole of nothingness where you begin to rationalize everything so that nothing has to change - but i find that what really is going on for me is just a lot of... thinking. constantly. and thinking makes me question and all of it just makes me tired. so i could just stop. but ultimately, being depressed from overthinking actually makes me happy because... i'm interested.

when i am in a state that may typically be diagnosed as "happiness" by my definition, i sometimes feel entirely unhappy with myself. because those are times that i really care the least. and if you really don't care - are you actually living? without being able to think and reflect on something and give it meaning - are you actually experiencing it? or are you just... going through the motions? with a big smile on your face and completely unconcerned with the people around you, the events taking place, the *meaning* of it all.

i dono. i guess this came up tonight for a second time in the past week or so. i was thinking about how a lot of people who go on anti-depressants often have told me that they don't feel like themselves - they don't actually think about things to the extent that they would have and that it is actually bothersome. and that's how i feel. i prefer to think. i guess i just need to accept that.

(own your decisions. you're the one who made them, after all)