december 2007 is finally over

it is not important that you understand.

it is important that you recognize when you don't understand and that you tolerate your ignorance with patience and forgiveness.

holy hell. i am so happy. my 2 years of ridiculous confusion and delusion is over. i can move on to something new, now. i was reading a book and drinking some wine and then all of a sudden something changed in me and i realized... good lord, i have been trying for 2 years to prove something RIDICULOUS.

thank god that's over.

things i shouldn't say...

but i will. (confessions of a 23 year-old girl after too much sake)

top songs that explain my life right now and why:

*the ataris - i.o.u. one galaxy (would you be my best friend (if i offered you my heart) because it's already yours)

this song... means so much to me. always has. it just seems to capture how i feel all the time, and people just don't seem to believe me - i've offered my heart, it's yours - please, take it. no strings attached!

*lagwagon - violins (so why you wanna be there? when you could be here? you are slipping away)

so many people all over the place... if we really wanted to be together, wouldn't we be?

*jimmy eat world - clarity (wait for something better, will i know when it can be us? wait for something better, maybe that doesn't mean us? wait for something better... )

should i be? i dono. maybe. or maybe "this time it means us"? this song used to be my go-to in 10th grade. came up again just recently and really made sense. never stopped loving it.

on another note... i have no idea what i'm doing or what i originally wanted to say. maybe say that i'm confused over many things and dono where i'm going... do i need to streamline? (are you a distraction?) or should i keep waiting, looking to what's already there... i could be in San Francisco (if we wanted to be together, wouldn't we already be?) or i could.. just be here.

(maybe i'll just be here.)

the only voice i want to hear is yours.

my brain hurtz

tonight i was walking to the train after work and i started thinking... that,

every once in awhile,

i'll think of something.

and then

think to myself

"i really wish i could remember these thoughts when i need them most"

like, i wish there was a go-to thought or memory for every situation that could help get me through it. i don't memorize Bible verses like everyone else so, often times i rely on my own past experiences to help me out.

tonight was one of those nights where i was thinking not only about how sometimes i think about useful things, but also about something that i think would probably be useful if i remembered to apply it in future situations:

i was thinking about how, so often, i over-think everything.

a little redundant, isn't it? but i was realizing - ya know, the real reason for my over-thinking is that i think that by thinking i am going to come to some sort of solution to a problem and will therefore never experience this problem ever again if i can think my way out of it in this moment.

i think that maybe, just maybe, some people don't do this as much as i do. or maybe they do. i was thinking that maybe, just maybe, if i were to just... experience the feelings and let it happen - it would save me a lot of thinking. because what have i learned so far in this lifetime? i would say i've learned that no matter how hard you think about something, although you may move on past that particular situation, you'll still end up feeling those same feelings again sooner or later. the thinking doesn't really help you avoid anything. it's just.. thinking.

so i think on that note... i'm gonna go to sleep and try to not think. i've been really tired of all of this thinking for awhile now, but i couldn't think of a good reason to stop it. but now..... now i've convinced myself i'm not helping anything by doing it, so why?

also

Happy New Moon and Winter Solstice! December 16th is a good day this year.

(of course SOME thinking is useful thinking)

what a weird night.

nothing says Happy Holidays like two slashed bike tires, a 30 minute walk, a $20 cab ride, a complete road block, and a broken lamp. oh, and an effed up friendship.

needless to say, i think i can let the friendship thing go. there's a certain point to which making amends turns into a larger chore than what it should. yes, i was a bit of an ass for a second. but i had forgiven a lot of bullshit before i had gotten to that point. perhaps it was my fault for being so forgiving to begin with. and i also really have to claim "wrong place, wrong time" for this guy. i tried to be nice and then suddenly decided that "nice" has no place in my life right now. a lot of everyone has been getting a piece of my mind. and people who aren't honest are the first on my list to get to hear about it.

i don't have patience these days for anything superficial. either tell me something interesting or get out of my way.

as far as the bike tires and weird string of events preventing me from going home and making it to bed before 1am... what in the world was that about?? maybe it's my punishment for being a dick to people i don't have patience for any more. or maybe it's just a lot of coincidental weirdness. maybe it's just me being forced to live my life and not be able to sleep 90% of what would normally be my free time.

things are changing. i know it's all up in the air right now. i should probably continue my "no sex until i'm 26" thing, since i haven't technically broken it since i've made it. only like... 2.75 years left to go. and.. ya know. sex gets me in to more trouble than i care to deal with. in general, people are pretty dumb right now. myself included.

but tonight i feel pretty grounded. and hopefully these next few months will be a breeze. i think tonight i got a big enough helping of "i don't care" to hold me over till my next hormonal outburst. prolly will be a few more months. and i'll prolly have 3 new boys by then to deal with. and if not - it's most likely for the best :)

(good things DO happen)