it's way past my bedtime but i simply have to write about what happened tonight.

1) i spent time with someone i'm truly inspired by and i'm .... honored to be his friend. without a doubt, he is wonderful.

and then

2) i came home to the world's largest dog in my apartment. i was confronted by my neighbor asking "is that your dog?" when i came home around 8:45pm and when i left i saw him laying down with his head and ears perked as if to say "i'm okay here. i'm just watching. don't worry about me". and i fell in love with him.

around midnight i came home and my roommate had adopted him for the night because he was found cold and crying at our front door. i was ecstatic. a gorgeous and gigantic dog in my apartment. and all i wanted to do was sit on the ground next to him and kiss him and hug him. i wish i could keep him :(

hearing the sound of his paws as he walks through the apartment in other rooms while i sit in my bed writing this post.... i love him. really.

i'm pretty sure this is the epitome of healthy

today has been a really great day. i feel as much myself as i possibly can. it's been rainy all weekend and i've taken a time out and spent some time inside. i feel a bit more in control of myself and a bit more reflective and thoughtful again. which is good.

i've been thinking about how nice it is to be human, really. haha. seems weird, i know. there's so much that i seem to forget sometimes, though. like, where do i think i'm going? do i need to make $400,000 a year? because i'm just going to die. i don't want to say that like there's no reason to TRY. but rather just saying that in the grand scheme of things, it seems priorities can be changed around a little bit, though.

i love what i do. i love that i make enough money to live without worry that i might not be able to pay a bill. i often find myself calling my job "work" but .. it's not. it's just what i like to do! it's a hobby, perhaps. i need a better way of explaining it. like "no, i'm sorry i can't go shopping with you tomorrow because i'll be spending my day doing what i love". i COULD say that except people might start to look at me weird. but maybe i will anyway.

the more i've been spending time on the trucks and becoming more familiar with the way everything works the more and more i like it. after a 14 hour day i'm not often actually tired but rather exhilarated by all of the physical work. being outside, using my hands, being creative. making coffee is amazing! scooping ice cream is amazing! refilling generators and water tanks and restocking milk and ice cream and moving around boxes and walking between trucks and biking to and from work and... all of it. amazing. amazing. amazing. it makes me *so* happy.

i figure i have at least 10 more years i can spend doing this type of work before i might wear myself out. who knows what i'll be doing a year from now but i just mean i feel confident i'll be happier as long as i'm actually physically involved with my work.

i used to be pretty upset that i was paid hourly, that i worked a scheduled shift, and that i was always on my feet and getting my clothes dirty. it occurred to me one day that it's kind of an advantage to be scheduled and to have different hours. that it's okay that i'm paid hourly and not salary. who's rules were these anyway? that in order to feel more "grown up" and more "successful" i needed to be bored at work? i don't want to be paid salary so i can work 12 hour days only to find i feel taken for granted.

and this all comes around to this appreciation for being human because... i'm using all aspects of my God-given gifts here :P i have to think and use my brain, i have to see and use my eyes, taste, smell, and touch things. i'm up on my feet and moving all day. talking to people and smiling. it's social, it's personal, it's productive, creative, promotes growth, opens the doorway for open-mindedness, understanding, learning, teaching, sharing...

so, in accepting mortality, reality, and that Earth is a truth; believing life is a gift; and remembering that we're only here for a short time - i have come to be happy here. and i can stay content here. with my feet on the ground.. this is where it all begins.

this blog has many personalities

i dono what else to say. sometimes i want to write about espresso machines and sometimes i want to write about existential crises. this time i want to write about a boy i have a crush on that i just can't get over. is that so bad?

so let's get to it. he's AMAZING. and i don't think he's even the slightest bit interested in me. go figure. GOOD JOB JESSA. you've done well! again! i don't remember the last time i had a crush.. was it December 2007? i think so. everything else just skipped that phase and either was a joke or just went straight to relationship. i feel like i'm in 7th grade again. and let's hope so, because i was quite successful with the boys when i was in 7th grade. not so much since then :P

but in all seriousness. for the first time in a very long time... i actually ....... kind of... maybe.. like? someone? without there being a lot of other stuff involved?

scary.

(can you still feel the butterflies?)

speaking of early mornings...

"midnight coffee" is definitely not the case anymore for this blog. i have to be up at 4am in order to get to work by 6. but... amazing things happen at these hours:

who would have ever thought something so beautiful would be found on a truck? i took this picture one morning on my way to my spot in Manhattan. the machine is actually all silver... but, the morning light was just right.. i dono if i'd mind if it was all gold, either :P

marshmallow treasures and 4:00am

i quit my job at the electronics store. i was just thinking... i've been here 6 months, i worked my ass off for a little while so i could get up to speed so i spent 40 hours there and ~20 hours at my other job. and i got tiiiired, so i decided to cut back a few days of being there, cut back to 20 hours. and i realized - shit, i can't live off just 20 hours a week at each job (40 hours total). i either have to find something new or do something somehow...

you know, i got a paycheck for a full 2 weeks, 80 hours, of work the other day. it was wrong, i didn't work that much.. but the check was a nice size if it was for ya know... 25 hours like i had put in. but for 80 hours of work. TWO WEEKS of work... that's ALL i would get? when i called my boss to let him know, he suggested i could work off the difference ... and after seeing the reward for a full 80 hours of work, it made me realize that no. no. that's just wrong.

so, for better or for worse, i am going to work full time at my other job serving coffee from a truck. which is a fantastic job for the time being. i love it, it's fun. but what that means is that i am going to have to start driving the truck. and that means i have to be there at 6am. so i've rearranged my living schedule. or, rather, i made one. now i am in bed by 10pm and up at 4am. so. midnight coffee is more like 4am cereal now (marshmallow treasures, an off-brand for Lucky Charms!).

what can ya do?

(i love it!)

my dream imagery from last night:

Fleas

• To be annoyed in your dream by these pests is a straightforward omen of deceit and malice around you; but if you managed to kill them or get rid of them, you will triumph over your enemies.

Cat

A generally unfortunate omen indicating treachery and deceit among those you trust. If you killed the cat, you will defeat the purpose of your detractors; if you chased it away, you may expect a sudden stroke of luck.

White Cat

• To see a white cat in your dream, denotes that you are going through difficult times.

Money

The meaning of money in a dream is as variable as its meaning in conscious life. Although there is some disagreement, the general consensus is that to pay, give or lend money augurs well for all that concerns you. Receiving money is also a good omen, providing it was honestly come by; it signifies security through development of your own resources. To dream of finding money is a sign of mixed blessings; your financial success will be accompanied by disappointment in its effect. Losing money in a dream is an omen of opposites; you are likely to have a windfall. To change money (as paper for coins or large denominations for small, etc.) indicates problems created by your own carelessness in the handling of your affairs. A dream of exchanging money (as for foreign currency) means an increase in material wealth. To borrow money signifies a need to retrench and could be a warning against extravagance. To spend money prophesies an unexpected profit, and to steal it predicts an unexpected stroke of luck. To dream of counting or saving money promises personal happiness providing it was not done in a miserly way.

Counterfeit Money

• To dream of counterfeit money, denotes you will have trouble with some unruly and worthless person. This dream always omens evil, whether you receive it or pass it.

last night i dreamt that i was offered money to take this white cat, which, at the time seemed like a great idea! but then i realized that all of my money was counterfeit money. like there wasn't anything on the back of the bills at all, just blank. and i thought that i was screwing myself (looking back on it, i was PAID to take this cat, right?) when i realized the money was counterfeit, something seemed really wrong with the cat - as if i suddenly realized it was dirty and i should never have accepted it. i quickly came to find it had fleas, and i abandoned the cat on the street to avoid getting them myself.

weird.

i know there's a lot more that happened in my dream other than that. for some reason i remember driving in a car, i think there were other people around, that type of thing. but all i can remember in specifics are the cat, the money, and the fleas. hahah. awesome.

(so does this mean my life is gonna be hard as if i didn't already think it was before?)

i think i missed something.

like the idiot's guide to reality: how to be human without a doubt.

why in the world do i insist on writing in my "blog" and then posting it on facebook so anyone who is interested can see? i think it's because after all of this time of knowing how pointless it is, i also realized how pointless it is NOT to post it. so why not? i don't know who you are or why you're reading it. and i don't know if anyone is reading at all. i don't know if this is a waste of your time or if you're even real enough for any of my thoughts to matter in YOUR world.

have you ever had such an understanding of just how much nothing actually exists that you felt it was really that pointless to have a conversation with anyone at all? and if nothing exists, i guess that must mean everything exists. and i think it's quite clear that nothing is based in any true sense of reality. there is no constant variable. if there is no constant variable then ...what the hell. you think your science is real, that your beliefs are real, that the chair you're sitting on is real. are you sure about that?

i've stopped and asked myself, "what is time? what are thoughts? what are relationships? what are people? what is talking? why, why, why?" and you know, the answers are scary. the answers lead me to believe that ... i am. and that's all i can say. politics don't matter. science doesn't matter. spirituality doesn't matter. people don't matter. and if none of that matters then why in the WORLD am i writing?

do you know if you are really real? of course you do. but you're just a thing in my existence and from what i've learned - you are a separate entity that thinks and feels and does stuff when i am not looking and you will continue to exist even if i disappear.. but what if what i learned is wrong and this has everything to do with just.. me? i am either aware of or i am not aware of. and once you come into my awareness then how much do you exist entirely on your own and how much does your existence rely on my existence? does that make sense?

i sound like a crazy person. am i just a dream within a dream? perhaps you can at least understand that idea? i don't know why i exist and how much my existence creates yours. everything you say to me or every problem you create for me or every thing that you make great for me... is that just me? or can i go ahead and just accept the big bang theory and accept that there is this giant "universe" that goes on forever into god only knows what and i'll accept that we're each individuals -entirely separate and just competitors in a race. we're just orbiting the "sun", a star that has been determined to be a part of this vast universe that consists of a lot of stars and planets and galaxies and somehow we are just... creatures on this one planet in particular - very inquisitive and curious creatures-

we're EVOLVED creatures. we grew out of something "less intelligent" into these "humans" who now have "society" and "politics" and "problems". so basically, i'm just an animal... so then why in the world is life so complicated???? seriously. why is there this need for jobs and wars and arts and mathematics, etc??

or maybe we're not just animals. and we're "special". we're going towards something... we're going to accomplish something. really? what? please tell me what in the world we are all striving for?? we're on this ball that is spinning through space and instead of just ... existing... i'm sitting here questioning just how real any of the whole thing is to begin with.

for a second, i let people try to convince me that clearly there are some universal truths - really??? i'm dropping out of this game. i'll just .. do what i gotta do.

i'll go and "get a job" and "help the children of the world" and generally abide by the laws that seem to be universally agreed upon...

but that doesn't mean that every second of every day i will be sitting around thinking, "what the fuck."