all the right words

only get you so far.

moving on is harder than i thought it would be. H never said the right words but he always just was the right things. he made me smile to myself because i could see how much he liked me but he never said anything... he was right. actions speak louder than words and he knew how to make his actions show that he was really awesome.

i'm trying so hard to live here and make experiences happen here. but i'm very torn. and i'm at a point where i am questioning why i am here. is this a good place to be? the heat is killing me, the noise is causing me panic, and it's so crowded and busy everywhere.

tonight i walked out of a party that i was brought to. i literally walked in, felt uncomfortable, and left. the party was on the roof and my friend who brought me went up ahead of me. while being on a roof in manhattan sounds like a lot of fun, for some reason, standing there and looking at the elevator going up or going down.. going down was my choice. i hit the button but then decided not to wait, even, and took stairs down. i was really compelled to leave.

why? i didn't even give it a chance!

and on my walk home i walked past someone yelling and i wanted to cry. the world was falling down again. i wanted to leave this place. but i feel like i've fought to be here to some extent. why? i guess i feel like i have something to do here. if i didn't... i'd go to H. why stay somewhere, so far away from this person that i've come to love so much, for no one that i care about and a lot of other things (excessively hot/humid weather, noise, craziness) that are really unappealing to me?

and i realized - for every ridiculous thing that i find hard to experience, there is something equally as amazing to experience. like streets lined with bathtubs filled with plants. i feel like i need to be here. it really sucks. but i don't feel like leaving is the right choice. even if that's what i want. so i'm staying. and i guess for the time being, i'll just continue missing H.

(and everyone else, too)

(and i really want to kiss him..)