never so comfortable

stars are out tonight
and you're the brightest one shining in my sky
it's like every wish i ever made came true
the day i woke up lying next to you

would you be my best friend if i offered you my heart?
('cause it's already yours)



sometimes you need a little punk rock in your life, i suppose. gotta love The Ataris. so many songs never made so much sense. i always hoped to adapt them to certain situations. only now have they just begun to find their rightful places.

i'm really happy. and i'm really busy. every day starts with enthusiasm and every night ends the same way (with thoughts of you). but i'm doing really good.


tonight in yoga we did eleven minutes of holding our arms up in the air at 60degrees repeating a mantra and with a specific mudra. needless to say - your shoulders start to die pretty early on and the thought of 11 minutes is horrifying. the more emotions you're holding on to, the more difficult it is supposed to be (or so they say). i made it through flawlessly - and there was only one thing on my mind the entire time (the same thing that occupies my last thoughts before sleep hits).

again.

every time i think to let go. every time i purposefully intend to let go. every time i TRY to let go. i'm not allowed. it's not me holding on anymore. somehow it seems that every bit of my intuition is telling me that it's just... something else. entirely.

so i suppose i'll continue on this way. i haven't ever felt so comfortable in anyone else's arms. i am open to everything. i'm always meeting new people. always faced with new opportunity. and yet none provide the same fulfillment as he does (even though they seem to have so much more potential.. so much more that would "work")



the time will come. either something will replace this or "this" will claim its place. at this point, i a really happy where i am. i am welcoming of either.


(maybe)

my next post will be about something else. i promise.

unassisted happiness.

60 hour weeks...

i think it's all just mellowing out. all coming down to nothing. there is little that i want that i don't already have. there is little i would change that isn't already changed. it feels good to be leveling out for a second. i am seeing the opportunities and recognizing where i can let go. i'm beginning to think i'm really happy here :)

there's still someone on my mind. and i dono what i expect. nothing. but something. directions, perhaps.


don't i hold you like you want to be held?
don't i treat you like you want?
don't i love you like you want to be loved?
and you're running away
and what's your name?
like i'm in the way
and wasting too much time

3:33am

i received an email today. and i don't know how to respond.

and a song that came on shortly after:


love me, love me
say you do
let me fly away with you
we are creatures of the wind
wild is the wind

give me more than one caress
satisfy this hungriness

you touch me
i hear the sound of mandolins
you kiss me
with your kiss my life begins


______________________________


so much going on. i want to know how he is. i want to know how his cat is. how his new life is. what he's been doing. i want a hug. hahah. i get an email and i'm immediately hoping for a hug. and he's not even close, anyway. i could hardly breathe. what do i say? nothing?

(this heart's on fire)