my dream imagery from last night:

Fleas

• To be annoyed in your dream by these pests is a straightforward omen of deceit and malice around you; but if you managed to kill them or get rid of them, you will triumph over your enemies.

Cat

A generally unfortunate omen indicating treachery and deceit among those you trust. If you killed the cat, you will defeat the purpose of your detractors; if you chased it away, you may expect a sudden stroke of luck.

White Cat

• To see a white cat in your dream, denotes that you are going through difficult times.

Money

The meaning of money in a dream is as variable as its meaning in conscious life. Although there is some disagreement, the general consensus is that to pay, give or lend money augurs well for all that concerns you. Receiving money is also a good omen, providing it was honestly come by; it signifies security through development of your own resources. To dream of finding money is a sign of mixed blessings; your financial success will be accompanied by disappointment in its effect. Losing money in a dream is an omen of opposites; you are likely to have a windfall. To change money (as paper for coins or large denominations for small, etc.) indicates problems created by your own carelessness in the handling of your affairs. A dream of exchanging money (as for foreign currency) means an increase in material wealth. To borrow money signifies a need to retrench and could be a warning against extravagance. To spend money prophesies an unexpected profit, and to steal it predicts an unexpected stroke of luck. To dream of counting or saving money promises personal happiness providing it was not done in a miserly way.

Counterfeit Money

• To dream of counterfeit money, denotes you will have trouble with some unruly and worthless person. This dream always omens evil, whether you receive it or pass it.

last night i dreamt that i was offered money to take this white cat, which, at the time seemed like a great idea! but then i realized that all of my money was counterfeit money. like there wasn't anything on the back of the bills at all, just blank. and i thought that i was screwing myself (looking back on it, i was PAID to take this cat, right?) when i realized the money was counterfeit, something seemed really wrong with the cat - as if i suddenly realized it was dirty and i should never have accepted it. i quickly came to find it had fleas, and i abandoned the cat on the street to avoid getting them myself.

weird.

i know there's a lot more that happened in my dream other than that. for some reason i remember driving in a car, i think there were other people around, that type of thing. but all i can remember in specifics are the cat, the money, and the fleas. hahah. awesome.

(so does this mean my life is gonna be hard as if i didn't already think it was before?)

i think i missed something.

like the idiot's guide to reality: how to be human without a doubt.

why in the world do i insist on writing in my "blog" and then posting it on facebook so anyone who is interested can see? i think it's because after all of this time of knowing how pointless it is, i also realized how pointless it is NOT to post it. so why not? i don't know who you are or why you're reading it. and i don't know if anyone is reading at all. i don't know if this is a waste of your time or if you're even real enough for any of my thoughts to matter in YOUR world.

have you ever had such an understanding of just how much nothing actually exists that you felt it was really that pointless to have a conversation with anyone at all? and if nothing exists, i guess that must mean everything exists. and i think it's quite clear that nothing is based in any true sense of reality. there is no constant variable. if there is no constant variable then ...what the hell. you think your science is real, that your beliefs are real, that the chair you're sitting on is real. are you sure about that?

i've stopped and asked myself, "what is time? what are thoughts? what are relationships? what are people? what is talking? why, why, why?" and you know, the answers are scary. the answers lead me to believe that ... i am. and that's all i can say. politics don't matter. science doesn't matter. spirituality doesn't matter. people don't matter. and if none of that matters then why in the WORLD am i writing?

do you know if you are really real? of course you do. but you're just a thing in my existence and from what i've learned - you are a separate entity that thinks and feels and does stuff when i am not looking and you will continue to exist even if i disappear.. but what if what i learned is wrong and this has everything to do with just.. me? i am either aware of or i am not aware of. and once you come into my awareness then how much do you exist entirely on your own and how much does your existence rely on my existence? does that make sense?

i sound like a crazy person. am i just a dream within a dream? perhaps you can at least understand that idea? i don't know why i exist and how much my existence creates yours. everything you say to me or every problem you create for me or every thing that you make great for me... is that just me? or can i go ahead and just accept the big bang theory and accept that there is this giant "universe" that goes on forever into god only knows what and i'll accept that we're each individuals -entirely separate and just competitors in a race. we're just orbiting the "sun", a star that has been determined to be a part of this vast universe that consists of a lot of stars and planets and galaxies and somehow we are just... creatures on this one planet in particular - very inquisitive and curious creatures-

we're EVOLVED creatures. we grew out of something "less intelligent" into these "humans" who now have "society" and "politics" and "problems". so basically, i'm just an animal... so then why in the world is life so complicated???? seriously. why is there this need for jobs and wars and arts and mathematics, etc??

or maybe we're not just animals. and we're "special". we're going towards something... we're going to accomplish something. really? what? please tell me what in the world we are all striving for?? we're on this ball that is spinning through space and instead of just ... existing... i'm sitting here questioning just how real any of the whole thing is to begin with.

for a second, i let people try to convince me that clearly there are some universal truths - really??? i'm dropping out of this game. i'll just .. do what i gotta do.

i'll go and "get a job" and "help the children of the world" and generally abide by the laws that seem to be universally agreed upon...

but that doesn't mean that every second of every day i will be sitting around thinking, "what the fuck."

experience life, love it, and have fun

it started that day that i realized i had finally finished up with everything that started back in December of 2007. i began to see everything disappear from my life... and i felt 100% okay with it.

a few months ago (probably less?) i set fire to just about every relationship i had. and if i missed ours - either it's finally coming around to that or you did it for me. "you" being whoever the reader is. but i don't think there's too many that have been left untouched. most would think that at some point i might regret it - i might want my friends back. i might want my family back. maybe.

in the future.

like. months and years into the future.

i seem to do this. perhaps at a slowing rate. before it used to be a yearly cycle or so but now it has slowed down to maybe more like two. but i basically feel like i reinvent the wheel. i'm a Phoenix. i'm going to be honest with you - i LIKE that.

constantly changing.

i'm not addicted to change. but i am constantly changing. i'm always growing up. always learning.

these last two years have been hard. really, really rough. i was told that i was too "detached" and i took this as a bad thing. i don't think the person realized what they were saying. but he insisted that it was his reason for being scared to be around me. so i tried to change.

for two years. i did everything i could to try to prove that i could become "attached" to things. and it got me nowhere!!! well. it got me a lot of places. i have to admit. but it taught me some super valuable lessons at a very high cost. two years of feeling stuck and abandoned.

if i spent two years super unhappy - how in the world could i possibly look back and not feel like i really screwed up? well, because. 1) the person who told me that - it's not HIS fault. it was me who listened. it was me who thought i needed to change. it was me who tried to. 2) how else would i have known that i DIDN'T need to change?

and so i guess i took a few giant steps backwards. just to prove to myself that where i was before was actually a perfectly fine place to be. and to see that i don't need to change anything. because change happens when it needs to.

and so then you set fire to your life. not because you want to piss everyone off but because you're feeling so angry that it just needs to be done.

and you wake up one morning realizing you're all alone.

and you smile. because it's time to start over.

but every time it's a little bit different. this time i'm alone again. (i never stopped being alone) but this time i know it. and this time i know i'm too "detached" for you. so this time, i'm on a different journey entirely. i dono where i'm going. but it's not to find attachment. and it's not to find community. it's not to find a boyfriend. and it's not to find a best friend. perhaps it looks something like my New Year's resolution:

to experience life and love it and have fun.

(only those who are smarter than me still remain... )