from the ground up

hints.

i feel like i've been given hints since i've been in NYC. i found a yoga studio right away that i loved and i met a man that i connected with in a way that i've never connected with someone before.

transition.

those things were gone about as quickly as they came. i've experienced this before. moving to a new place and meeting new people right away - becoming quickly attached - and then having them disappear shortly after.

it's hard. letting go. there is so much going on for me right now that it's hard to keep it straight. being in NYC brings up a lot of reminders of "home". yet i came here with absolutely nothing to ground me. so many different experiences with different people and activities. so much has changed so drastically since the first few weeks that i was here in NYC. what in the world am i doing?

i moved into an apartment that can be built. i came here as a blank sheet of paper. there's so much room for creativity.

this post is so ridiculously random. sporadic. there's so much on my mind. H. must leave him where he was as he was - the perfect person for me to have met to get me acquainted with where i am now.

the positivity and the understanding of possibility that i initially moved here with is gone. sometimes i see glimpses. maybe soon i'll be sunbathing.

the excitement of getting dressed up and going out is all gone. i don't know every place in this city but i feel comfortable enough now that .. it's just going out.

staying up until 6am is completely forgotten. i have replaced it with waking up at that time to go swimming and spend time reading.

pursuing a job in film and spending time on my creative interests has been put to the side for the time being. there's not enough energy to give or reward to receive at the current point in time.

so much.

(i don't even know)

all the right words

only get you so far.

moving on is harder than i thought it would be. H never said the right words but he always just was the right things. he made me smile to myself because i could see how much he liked me but he never said anything... he was right. actions speak louder than words and he knew how to make his actions show that he was really awesome.

i'm trying so hard to live here and make experiences happen here. but i'm very torn. and i'm at a point where i am questioning why i am here. is this a good place to be? the heat is killing me, the noise is causing me panic, and it's so crowded and busy everywhere.

tonight i walked out of a party that i was brought to. i literally walked in, felt uncomfortable, and left. the party was on the roof and my friend who brought me went up ahead of me. while being on a roof in manhattan sounds like a lot of fun, for some reason, standing there and looking at the elevator going up or going down.. going down was my choice. i hit the button but then decided not to wait, even, and took stairs down. i was really compelled to leave.

why? i didn't even give it a chance!

and on my walk home i walked past someone yelling and i wanted to cry. the world was falling down again. i wanted to leave this place. but i feel like i've fought to be here to some extent. why? i guess i feel like i have something to do here. if i didn't... i'd go to H. why stay somewhere, so far away from this person that i've come to love so much, for no one that i care about and a lot of other things (excessively hot/humid weather, noise, craziness) that are really unappealing to me?

and i realized - for every ridiculous thing that i find hard to experience, there is something equally as amazing to experience. like streets lined with bathtubs filled with plants. i feel like i need to be here. it really sucks. but i don't feel like leaving is the right choice. even if that's what i want. so i'm staying. and i guess for the time being, i'll just continue missing H.

(and everyone else, too)

(and i really want to kiss him..)

the cost of "happiness"

let's address something of great importance here... what IS happiness, anyway? i've been under the impression that it's just when you feel good in general. smiles. laughter. maybe even pure contentment. etc. (i think that passion and ecstasy are beyond happiness and entirely different and can be discussed later.)

is it possible to be entirely depressed but still happy?

perhaps it's depression's way of taking over and sucking you into a black hole of nothingness where you begin to rationalize everything so that nothing has to change - but i find that what really is going on for me is just a lot of... thinking. constantly. and thinking makes me question and all of it just makes me tired. so i could just stop. but ultimately, being depressed from overthinking actually makes me happy because... i'm interested.

when i am in a state that may typically be diagnosed as "happiness" by my definition, i sometimes feel entirely unhappy with myself. because those are times that i really care the least. and if you really don't care - are you actually living? without being able to think and reflect on something and give it meaning - are you actually experiencing it? or are you just... going through the motions? with a big smile on your face and completely unconcerned with the people around you, the events taking place, the *meaning* of it all.

i dono. i guess this came up tonight for a second time in the past week or so. i was thinking about how a lot of people who go on anti-depressants often have told me that they don't feel like themselves - they don't actually think about things to the extent that they would have and that it is actually bothersome. and that's how i feel. i prefer to think. i guess i just need to accept that.

(own your decisions. you're the one who made them, after all)

"So, Jessica... what do you think about Oklahoma" ;)

today at work i wasn't receiving emails from my coworker. so, i set out to figure out what could have been the problem, why all of these emails were not getting to my inbox? in the process, i tried resetting a few things and when turning off and on my pop mail settings, i accidentally configured it to resend ALL of my emails from my gmail account to my Entourage account on my iBook... so, when i came home and hit command-k (to send/receive my emails) it showed up with some ridiculously large number of files it was pulling off the server. needless to say, i stopped it and quickly went and fixed the problem.

of the emails that my Entourage did pull off the server before i stopped it, though, a few of them were from my ex-boyfriend. it's funny.

"So, Jessica... what do you think about Oklahoma" ;)

this is something he said in regards to suggesting that one day, he may ask me this when he brings me to visit his family and hometown. i think this line sticks out in my memory more than any other from our short-lived relationship. i remember it daily. not because i'm disappointed because i never made it to Oklahoma. but maybe more because it sticks out like a sore thumb. something said far too soon.

i remember reading that and immediately deciding that vacation for me was over (winter/Christmas) and i hopped in a car and was back in Chicago in a heartbeat. that idea changed something in me. like i said, it's not that i was hyped to go to Oklahoma. but i think that's the second that i completely abandoned all reason and just went for it. anything up to that point i was still holding out- i was still thinking "yea, i mean, he's great and i'm completely infatuated but i just met him... blah blah blah". but those are the words where i became completely vulnerable. and to no one but him have i ever been there before or since.

it's been... far too long since we've broken up and the relationship was far too short for me to justify any leftover feelings. but i go back and read my emails with him (i really thought i had deleted them... gone from my life forever, much like him) and i understand what happened.

some things just work.

sometimes ..

"It's as if I had a favored/dog-eared book, misplaced it for the longest time, and recently found it, and just picked up where I left off before."

(i've never cared about someone so much)

when in doubt: use craigslist.

MAC OS Tiger for G5- can i use your old copy? (Williamsburg)

_______
Date: 2009-08-06, 10:46AM EDT
Reply to: gigs-u9sut1308794563@craigslist.org
_______

Dear community of computer people in Brooklyn/Williamsburg,
I have the unfortunate situation of a PowerMac G5 that will not start up and I'm thinking it's the OS. My system disc is in some other state somewhere hidden in some obscure box that's probably labeled "forks and knives" or something completely inaccurate, I don't have money to take a cab somewhere with this giant beast of a computer to see what it is for sure, and I would go ahead and just buy Leopard but I'm not 100% that will fix the problem.

To give you the low down on the problem (in case you think I'm a lost cause), what happened is this:
I came home.
Finder disappeared.
The cursor and computer was responsive, but... I went to force quit Finder and ... no Finder to be found.
So, I shut down the computer.
Upon restarting, it makes it to the Apple logo and spinning gear
but then goes black.

I have access to my hard drive so I know that's all good there. I honestly just think my OS crashed on me. But. I could be wrong.

If you could be so kind as to lend me your old copy of Tiger if you can spare it, just so I can see if that can solve my problem, I would probably love you forever. Even if it doesn't work. Because if it doesn't work, I'm abandoning ship and you can have the thing for free if you have any use for a 60lb piece of beautiful hardware that ... can now be used as art work and decoration for your bathroom for all I care. A foot rest? Perhaps you could empty out its contents and use it to pot plants. In fact, that's not a bad idea. I might steal my own idea and do that.


ANYWAY, please email me or call me. I'll gladly meet you on Bedford and we can barter for it. I'll bring some old stuff of mine, you can bring some old stuff of yours and we'll call it thrifty. Cool.



<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 <-- my infinite love for you



Location: Williamsburg
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 <-- my infinite love for you


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