"So, Jessica... what do you think about Oklahoma" ;)

today at work i wasn't receiving emails from my coworker. so, i set out to figure out what could have been the problem, why all of these emails were not getting to my inbox? in the process, i tried resetting a few things and when turning off and on my pop mail settings, i accidentally configured it to resend ALL of my emails from my gmail account to my Entourage account on my iBook... so, when i came home and hit command-k (to send/receive my emails) it showed up with some ridiculously large number of files it was pulling off the server. needless to say, i stopped it and quickly went and fixed the problem.

of the emails that my Entourage did pull off the server before i stopped it, though, a few of them were from my ex-boyfriend. it's funny.

"So, Jessica... what do you think about Oklahoma" ;)

this is something he said in regards to suggesting that one day, he may ask me this when he brings me to visit his family and hometown. i think this line sticks out in my memory more than any other from our short-lived relationship. i remember it daily. not because i'm disappointed because i never made it to Oklahoma. but maybe more because it sticks out like a sore thumb. something said far too soon.

i remember reading that and immediately deciding that vacation for me was over (winter/Christmas) and i hopped in a car and was back in Chicago in a heartbeat. that idea changed something in me. like i said, it's not that i was hyped to go to Oklahoma. but i think that's the second that i completely abandoned all reason and just went for it. anything up to that point i was still holding out- i was still thinking "yea, i mean, he's great and i'm completely infatuated but i just met him... blah blah blah". but those are the words where i became completely vulnerable. and to no one but him have i ever been there before or since.

it's been... far too long since we've broken up and the relationship was far too short for me to justify any leftover feelings. but i go back and read my emails with him (i really thought i had deleted them... gone from my life forever, much like him) and i understand what happened.

some things just work.

sometimes ..

"It's as if I had a favored/dog-eared book, misplaced it for the longest time, and recently found it, and just picked up where I left off before."

(i've never cared about someone so much)