i think i missed something.

like the idiot's guide to reality: how to be human without a doubt.

why in the world do i insist on writing in my "blog" and then posting it on facebook so anyone who is interested can see? i think it's because after all of this time of knowing how pointless it is, i also realized how pointless it is NOT to post it. so why not? i don't know who you are or why you're reading it. and i don't know if anyone is reading at all. i don't know if this is a waste of your time or if you're even real enough for any of my thoughts to matter in YOUR world.

have you ever had such an understanding of just how much nothing actually exists that you felt it was really that pointless to have a conversation with anyone at all? and if nothing exists, i guess that must mean everything exists. and i think it's quite clear that nothing is based in any true sense of reality. there is no constant variable. if there is no constant variable then ...what the hell. you think your science is real, that your beliefs are real, that the chair you're sitting on is real. are you sure about that?

i've stopped and asked myself, "what is time? what are thoughts? what are relationships? what are people? what is talking? why, why, why?" and you know, the answers are scary. the answers lead me to believe that ... i am. and that's all i can say. politics don't matter. science doesn't matter. spirituality doesn't matter. people don't matter. and if none of that matters then why in the WORLD am i writing?

do you know if you are really real? of course you do. but you're just a thing in my existence and from what i've learned - you are a separate entity that thinks and feels and does stuff when i am not looking and you will continue to exist even if i disappear.. but what if what i learned is wrong and this has everything to do with just.. me? i am either aware of or i am not aware of. and once you come into my awareness then how much do you exist entirely on your own and how much does your existence rely on my existence? does that make sense?

i sound like a crazy person. am i just a dream within a dream? perhaps you can at least understand that idea? i don't know why i exist and how much my existence creates yours. everything you say to me or every problem you create for me or every thing that you make great for me... is that just me? or can i go ahead and just accept the big bang theory and accept that there is this giant "universe" that goes on forever into god only knows what and i'll accept that we're each individuals -entirely separate and just competitors in a race. we're just orbiting the "sun", a star that has been determined to be a part of this vast universe that consists of a lot of stars and planets and galaxies and somehow we are just... creatures on this one planet in particular - very inquisitive and curious creatures-

we're EVOLVED creatures. we grew out of something "less intelligent" into these "humans" who now have "society" and "politics" and "problems". so basically, i'm just an animal... so then why in the world is life so complicated???? seriously. why is there this need for jobs and wars and arts and mathematics, etc??

or maybe we're not just animals. and we're "special". we're going towards something... we're going to accomplish something. really? what? please tell me what in the world we are all striving for?? we're on this ball that is spinning through space and instead of just ... existing... i'm sitting here questioning just how real any of the whole thing is to begin with.

for a second, i let people try to convince me that clearly there are some universal truths - really??? i'm dropping out of this game. i'll just .. do what i gotta do.

i'll go and "get a job" and "help the children of the world" and generally abide by the laws that seem to be universally agreed upon...

but that doesn't mean that every second of every day i will be sitting around thinking, "what the fuck."