a few months ago (probably less?) i set fire to just about every relationship i had. and if i missed ours - either it's finally coming around to that or you did it for me. "you" being whoever the reader is. but i don't think there's too many that have been left untouched. most would think that at some point i might regret it - i might want my friends back. i might want my family back. maybe.
in the future.
like. months and years into the future.
i seem to do this. perhaps at a slowing rate. before it used to be a yearly cycle or so but now it has slowed down to maybe more like two. but i basically feel like i reinvent the wheel. i'm a Phoenix. i'm going to be honest with you - i LIKE that.
constantly changing.
i'm not addicted to change. but i am constantly changing. i'm always growing up. always learning.
these last two years have been hard. really, really rough. i was told that i was too "detached" and i took this as a bad thing. i don't think the person realized what they were saying. but he insisted that it was his reason for being scared to be around me. so i tried to change.
for two years. i did everything i could to try to prove that i could become "attached" to things. and it got me nowhere!!! well. it got me a lot of places. i have to admit. but it taught me some super valuable lessons at a very high cost. two years of feeling stuck and abandoned.
if i spent two years super unhappy - how in the world could i possibly look back and not feel like i really screwed up? well, because. 1) the person who told me that - it's not HIS fault. it was me who listened. it was me who thought i needed to change. it was me who tried to. 2) how else would i have known that i DIDN'T need to change?
and so i guess i took a few giant steps backwards. just to prove to myself that where i was before was actually a perfectly fine place to be. and to see that i don't need to change anything. because change happens when it needs to.
and so then you set fire to your life. not because you want to piss everyone off but because you're feeling so angry that it just needs to be done.
and you wake up one morning realizing you're all alone.
and you smile. because it's time to start over.
but every time it's a little bit different. this time i'm alone again. (i never stopped being alone) but this time i know it. and this time i know i'm too "detached" for you. so this time, i'm on a different journey entirely. i dono where i'm going. but it's not to find attachment. and it's not to find community. it's not to find a boyfriend. and it's not to find a best friend. perhaps it looks something like my New Year's resolution:
to experience life and love it and have fun.
(only those who are smarter than me still remain... )
This is really real!!
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